Are people constantly disappointing you and letting you down? Do you feel you don’t matter to them, or they don’t get you, or they simply don’t care?
What about we start moving the focus away from the others and turn it towards ourselves?
What about starting questioning: Why am I feeling so disappointed right now? What did I want from this person? What is my part in all this?
By changing the focus, moving it from others to yourself, you might start noticing that how you feel in some situations has more to do with your own expectations, rather than with the other people themselves. It’s less about what they did or didn’t do, what they said or didn’t say, but much more about deeper needs and longings in you.
Expectation leads to disappointment.
It seems so simple and obvious. But it’s not! We keep missing this in everyday life and in our relationships.
Notice this: every time you feel disappointed with someone, that’s because you had a preconceived idea of how you would like them to respond to you. Consciously or not, you already had a reference in your mind about the way that person should (or shouldn’t) act.
Usually, the strongest reference comes from yourself: ‘I wouldn’t have said that’, ‘I would have done this’, ‘I would have never acted that way’.
So, by using yourself and your own beliefs as reference, you are already setting the other person up for failure. Yes, because the other person is different, they have other beliefs, other ways of behaving and thinking.
Then comes the blame.
Sadly, it’s usually ‘the other person’s fault’. But is it? Honestly?
Most of the time, situations don’t need to carry blame. People can disagree, have their differences, want different things, or they could be simply at different headspaces at that specific moment.
But, when you feel disappointed with someone, it’s so easy to blame them. It’s difficult to consider the other person’s side of the story, difficult to imagine that they don’t think or act exactly like you do.
And that leads to conflicts.
The sadness and pain of feeling disappointed can sometimes be released and expressed as an attack towards the person who disappointed you, with accusations and aggression thrown in. You suddenly focus on what the person ‘should have done’ and the disappointment takes over. You don’t see the other person fully, for who they really are, but only through the eyes of the sadness you are feeling.
It sort of blinds you and the conflict starts.
The need for reassurance.
The conflicts caused by disappointment come from a place of needing some sort of answer and relief. You would like the other person ‘to make you feel better’, to give you what you need. However, they might be unaware and oblivious of your feelings and deeper needs. They – more likely – think and behave in different ways and acted from their own perspective about the situation. They don’t really know what’s going on inside you.
Clear communication.
Try to be specific about your needs.
Instead of saying ‘You disappointed me’, try to say ‘I felt disappointed when you did that’. Always try to speak from the place of ‘I’, not throwing accusations or demands onto others.
Try to express and be clear on exactly what you would like to happen, what exactly you are feeling, so the other person can have a better idea of what you really need from them.
At the same time, try to really listen to the other person. Put yourself in their shoes, try to see the same situation from their eyes, their perspective.
Many conflicts could be avoided if we become more open and honest in our communications to others, and if we become more open to other people’s views, opinions and beliefs.
In short, it all comes down to expectations.
The more you expect from people, the more disappointed you will feel.
Try to connect with your own needs first and be receptive to others as they respond to you. Only then can you cultivate a more open and honest relationship. Perhaps, even learning from your differences and achieving better ways to relate to each other. And this applies to romantic relationships, work, family or friends.
Not only you’ll become more and more in tune with your own needs, but you’ll be able to express them in a better, more direct way and, consequently, avoid expectations and disappointments.